What Parents Get Wrong About Fixing Their Relationship with Their Teen or Adult Child

By Lisa Taylor

There is a moment many parents reach, but very few talk about openly.

It is not the early years. Not the sleepless nights or the school struggles. It comes later, when your child is older, either a teenager or stepping into adulthood, and something feels off.

The relationship is strained.

Communication feels fragile.

You may feel like you are losing them, or already have.

And beneath all of it, there is a quiet, persistent question:

How did we get here?

For many parents, the instinct is to look outward for answers. More support. More structure. More intervention. Another therapist. Another strategy. Another attempt to fix what appears to be broken.

But what if the starting point is not out there?

What if it begins with you?

The Illusion of Having It All

For years, my life looked exactly how it was supposed to.

I was married. We had a beautiful home in a good neighbourhood. I had a successful career in corporate sales. My daughter was growing up in what appeared to be a stable environment.

On paper, everything worked.

But internally, something was missing.

There was no real sense of purpose. No depth. No joy. Life had become repetitive in a way that felt more numbing than comforting. I remember asking a simple but unsettling question.

Is this it?

That question marked the beginning of a shift I did not fully understand at the time.

Through therapy and reflection, I came to a difficult realization. You can build a life that looks successful and still feel completely disconnected from it.

So I made a decision that would change everything.

I left my marriage.

When Your Growth Disrupts Your Child’s World

There is a narrative around personal growth that often leaves something important out.

When you change your life, your child’s life changes too.

In pursuing my own clarity and sense of self, I disrupted the only environment my daughter had known. We moved into separate homes and began co-parenting week on and week off. Logistically, it made sense.

Emotionally, it was far more complex.

At first, the changes were subtle. Then they were not.

My daughter’s behaviour began to shift. School became more difficult. Her emotional responses intensified. There was anger, anxiety, and withdrawal. She gravitated toward influences that did not feel aligned with who she was.

Like most parents, I responded the only way I knew how. I tried to help her.

Therapy. Support programs. Conversations. Interventions.

But something was not landing.

The Limits of Control

Eventually, we sought more specialized support. A private therapist. Deeper conversations. More consistent care.

That is when we received a diagnosis. Borderline personality disorder, along with anxiety and depression.

If you have ever heard that term as a parent, you understand the weight it carries. It can feel like a label that defines the future before it has even begun.

But what struck me most was not just the diagnosis. It was what came with it.

My daughter was now at an age where she had autonomy. I was still responsible for her well-being, but I no longer had full access to her care or decision-making.

And for the first time, I came face-to-face with a reality many parents resist.

You cannot control your child’s path.

No matter how much you love them.

No matter how much you try.

No matter how right you think you are.

When the System Is Not Enough

As things escalated, I found myself navigating Ontario’s mental health system in a way I never expected. There were moments of crisis. Moments where external intervention was required. Moments where I genuinely did not know what I would come home to.

At the same time, I was trying to maintain a demanding career.

Eventually, something had to give.

I stepped away from my job and was later let go.

Suddenly, I was carrying financial pressure, emotional strain, and full parental responsibility alone.

It was one of the most difficult periods of my life.

And it forced me into a place where I could no longer think my way out of the situation.

The Turning Point Most Parents Miss

At some point, the question changed.

It was no longer how do I fix this or how do I help her change.

It became something much more honest.

What can I actually control?

The answer was uncomfortable, but clear.

My reactions.

My beliefs.

My patterns.

My emotional state.

In other words, me.

What It Really Means to Turn the Lens Inward

Turning inward is often misunderstood as general self-reflection.

In reality, it is far more specific and far more demanding.

It means examining the beliefs you have carried, often unconsciously, for decades. What parenting should look like. What success means. How relationships are supposed to function.

It means recognizing that many of those beliefs were inherited, not chosen.

It means confronting behaviours that feel protective but are actually limiting. Overcontrolling. Over-correcting. Over-identifying with your child’s outcomes.

And perhaps most difficult of all, it means accepting that your child’s experience is not yours to dictate.

The Shift from Control to Capacity

As I began to change slowly and imperfectly, something else began to shift.

Not immediately in my daughter, but in me.

I developed a different kind of capacity. The ability to sit with uncertainty. The ability to respond rather than react. The ability to hold boundaries without guilt. The ability to separate my identity from my child’s struggles.

This is where the real shift happens for parents.

Not when the situation improves, but when your ability to navigate it does.

Rethinking the Parent-Child Dynamic

At a certain point, your child is no longer a child.

They are an individual with agency, consequences, and a path that may not align with yours.

Your role has to evolve.

The traditional model of protecting, guiding, and correcting has limits.

What replaces it is far less comfortable but far more effective. Respecting autonomy. Allowing failure. Offering support without attachment to outcome.

This is not detachment. It is maturity.

The Role of Shame and Why It Matters

There is a reason so few parents speak openly about these experiences.

Shame.

The belief that you should have done something differently. That your family should look different. That this should not be happening to you.

But shame does not solve anything.

It isolates. It delays action. It keeps people stuck.

The moment you acknowledge the reality of your situation without judgment, you create the possibility for change.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

Healing is not a moment or a breakthrough.

It is a process measured in years.

In my case, nearly two decades.

It is built through emotional regulation, consistent boundaries, honest communication, and personal accountability.

Over time, my daughter and I were able to rebuild our relationship into something more grounded, more respectful, and more sustainable.

A Different Starting Point

If you are in the middle of this right now, struggling and unsure, there is one place to begin.

Not with your child.

With yourself.

Ask a different question.

What needs to change in how I show up?

Not all at once. Not perfectly. But honestly.

Because the truth is simple.

You cannot force transformation in someone else.

But you can create the conditions for it.

And that begins with turning the lens inward.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I fix my relationship with my teenage or adult child?

The most effective way to improve your relationship with your teenage or adult child is to shift your focus from trying to change them to understanding and adjusting your own responses, communication patterns, and expectations. Real change begins when you develop emotional regulation, set clear boundaries, and allow your child autonomy while maintaining a supportive presence. This creates the conditions for trust and connection to rebuild over time.

Can a relationship with a struggling teen or adult child be repaired?

Yes, a relationship with a struggling teen or adult child can be repaired, but it typically requires time, consistency, and a shift in approach. Progress often comes from building emotional capacity, setting boundaries, and allowing space for autonomy rather than forcing change. Many parents see improvement when they focus on their own growth first, which gradually influences the relationship dynamic.

What should I do if my child has been diagnosed with BPD or emotional dysregulation?

If your child has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or emotional dysregulation, the priority is to focus on stability, consistent support, and your own ability to respond calmly and clearly. While professional support is important, parents also benefit from learning emotional regulation, boundary setting, and communication strategies. With the right approach, individuals with these challenges can develop strong emotional awareness and meaningful relationships over time.

Why do parents feel shame when their child is struggling?

Parents often feel shame when their child is struggling because of societal expectations that link parenting success to a child’s behaviour and outcomes. This creates pressure to appear in control and avoid judgment. Acknowledging the reality of the situation without self-blame is a critical step toward finding solutions and improving the relationship.

When should I stop trying to control my child’s decisions?

You should begin shifting away from controlling your child’s decisions as they move into their teenage years and especially into adulthood, when autonomy becomes essential for their development. While guidance and support remain important, attempting to control outcomes can damage trust and create resistance. A more effective approach is to offer perspective, set boundaries, and allow them to experience consequences.

How long does it take to rebuild a parent-child relationship?

Rebuilding a parent-child relationship is not immediate and can take months or years, depending on the situation. Meaningful change happens through consistent effort, emotional growth, and improved communication over time. Even small shifts in how you respond and show up can begin to positively impact the relationship.

Where should I start if I feel overwhelmed as a parent?

If you feel overwhelmed, start by acknowledging your current reality without judgment and focusing on one area you can control: your response. Small steps such as improving communication, setting one clear boundary, or seeking support for yourself can create momentum. You do not need to solve everything at once to begin making meaningful change.

If you saw yourself in any part of this story, you are not alone.

Listen to the first episode of Turn the Lens Inward and hear Lisa walk through this journey in her own words, with the honesty and depth that every parent needs to hear.